Peace visits not the Guilty mind

Guild upon the conscience, like rust upon iron, both defiles and consumes it, gnawing and creeping into it, as that does which at last eats out the very heart and substance of the metal.

-Robert South

There is no calamity greater than lavish desires.
There is no greater guilt than discontentment.
And there is no greater disaster than greed.

-Lao Tzu

What is guilt? Guilt is the pledge drive constantly hammering in our heads that keeps us from fully enjoying the show. Guilt is the reason they put the articles in Playboy.

-Dennis Miller

Guilt-a painful feeling of self-reproach resulting from a belief that one has done something wrong or immoral

Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Guilt. Do you ever see a word, say a word, or write a word so much that it means nothing to you?

I know what guilt is. I feel it constantly right now. But looking at it, seeing it, hearing it, does nothing.

I'm guilty of many things. I don't even think I should feel this guilt, but I do.

It shouldn't be me. It should be him. It should be them. It should be the people who constantly have implanted in my brain that if you do one wrong thing, or don't do something, then 1. you're either going straight to hell or 2. you're an awful person, and don't deserve to be apart of this family.

Well, maybe it's true that I don't belong, but it's not because I don't deserve it. I think it's the other way around.

Maybe that's just me.

Guilt is such a stupid emotion. Of course there are some reasons to feel guilty and some of those reasons are valid, but besides those very few, Guilt is just something made up by the people who want to make everyone else feel bad about themselves rather than having to deal with their own problems.

I found an article by Mark I. Myher called 'The Psychology of Guilt.'

In this, he talks about how "Guilt exists as a fabricated emotion. It holds little or no realness," because real emotions, like love, fear, hate, anger, sadness and happiness have a positive and negative side. Guilt doesn't. It's one sided. It's like a leech.

Myher continues to tell how Guilt is intertwined with our conception of love. Which is pretty true if you think about it. But remember, it's the conception of love. You think you love someone, or at least you're supposed to love someone and treat them well and be obligated to do things, say things, feel things. If you don't, you'll feel guilty. It's the stupid social guidelines on how to live your life. Screw those. Just because somebody is 'related to you' does not mean they're your family. It does not mean you are obligated to love them, to show any feelings towards, or even to do anything for them. This is what helps bring on the guilt.

You don't have to feel guilty, but you do anyway. Everybody does. And it eats away at your insides, at all those gooey, mushy, lovely feelings you feel, until you no longer feel anything but anger, resentment, and hatred. Especially towards those who are trying to make you feel guilty.

We are taught at a very young age to seek love and acceptance. We are taught that to be loved, we must follow certain guidelines, eat our vegetables, pray every night, go to church every Sunday, share our cookies with our little brother, and many other things. If we don't do those, we won't be loved. We feel guilty when we feed our vegetables to the dog, or excuse ourselves to the restroom to spit them out in the toilet. We feel guilty for not going to church, we feel guilty for not cleaning up our rooms. We feel guilty, because we are taught that to not do something right, means our parents will not love us. And without their love and acceptance, we will fail.

I don't believe that for a second. If I forget to clean my room before I go out, or I don't go to church, then my mother will not love me? Not true at all. It doesn't make me a bad person. It doesn't mean I'm a sinner, or horrible, or that I am unfit for society. I know she loves me regardless, but then again, she is one of the only people who has never made me feel guilty on purpose.

People, especially family, try to make you feel guilty. They try so incredibly hard, it makes me sick. If making someone else feel guilty makes you feel better about yourself, then maybe it's you who is going to hell, or at the very least, needs some serious help.

Guilt is why we follow the 'norms,' do what is deemed popular, and try to avoid disagreement with those we look up to. It's the deeply ingrained need for external approval. It's the need to feel like you fit in.

What happens when you don't agree with what the snobs who sit in front of you in your lit class say? Does that mean you should feel guilty? Does that mean you should go to confession right away? "I'm sorry Father, for I have sinned. I was led to believe that Northface jackets are not cool...I have learned my lesson. I will now go make my parents buy me three different $200 jackets. Amen!"

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

Maybe it's not Guilt that is stupid. Maybe it is the ignorant people around you, who are the stupid ones. The people who, like I said before, make it up and make you feel guilty, just so they can feel better about themselves.

Good Ol' Cup O' Joe

America, suburbia in particular, is so funny. Funny weird-lame-can't believe it-weird funny.

Just the other day, I went to starbucks to get a caramel apple cider, and I kept stuttering or something along those lines, and the first thing the barista said was, "Jeeze, you must not have had your caffeine this morning!"

Don't get me wrong, nothing is wrong with that.

But it SO is.

We live in a place where 'if you don't have your daily coffee, you can't function.' Some part of that puzzles me, and I'm not sure if it is the fact that we all believe we're dependent on something, or if we really are. And really, what would happen if suddenly all the coffee disappeared??? Everyone would probably be hung over/withdrawling/headachy/crazy without it...but I wonder if it's just mental?

It's amazing to me how someone can go up to the counter or drive through, now that's just lazy, and order a "Caramel macchiato, triple shot, non-fat, part soy, 2 pumps cinnamon dulce, not too hot, hold the caramel, hold the macchiato, and add some whip cream" and it's perfectly normal. It's not normal, it's crazy.

Crazy how everything is so developed into this...place...If somebody gets my order wrong, and I spill it, because it tastes gross, God forbid, I'll just sue their asses.

How wrong is that??!?!?

and It's NORMAL!

And the shopping centers.

Oh the shopping centers. Strip malls, shopping malls, outdoor shopping centers, discount stores, outlets, kiosks, et cetera et cetera et cetera.

"Dear me, if I live without my Northface and my Uggs, well....I don't think I COULD live." "What will I do if Daddy won't buy me the $100,000 sports car so I can look cool? Hmm....I might run away, or go to the police and say I'm being mistreated"

....Suburbia. Or maybe it's just Cupcake Land. It has the name for some reason, doesn't it?

On a brighter note!

The 25 hrs are going well. Two weeks and I'll be done with first semester of Surg. Tech! YAY!

Chem and Bio are okay...Bio is way better than Chem...maybe it's because I like the bio lab and not the chem lab? Whatever. Speaking of bio, I found out that for one of my assignments I'm shooting a potential roller derby-er, who happens to be my bio professor! Talk about sick!

Orchard is fun. Really fun still. I have a bajillion apples everywhere...they're practically coming out my ears! But this way I get to make apple butter, sauce, cider, crisp, pie, cobbler, and the list goes on. mmmmm

Boston in 29 days. Austin in 22. YAY!

Ah, and another plan in the works:

Move back to Boston no matter what. No matter if I can pay for it next year or not. I already have enough money saved up to pay 6 months rent and utilities. Live at the rugby house with Miss Jennifer Fleser, and work at one of the hospitals as a scrub tech. I'm hoping to interview/speak with people up there when I go....let's hope I can get in!

Anyway, more at some point. When life is a little more exciting? :)

All was golden when the day met the night

Hello again!

Life. Life is interesting. I've started surg tech school, and it's incredible. I know all about the respiratory system, loading and unloading scalpels, suture, and passing instruments, as well as the ins and outs of otorhinolaryngology (if you can tell me what that is without googling it, I'll be very, very happy). Onto the endocrine system this week!

Lifeguarding is almost over, Friday is the last day Young's is open, and then I'm working a total of 3 days in August and September.

I'm now a staff photojournalist for the Campus Ledger, JCCC's newspaper, and I've gotten my first assignments for this issue. I'm also now in charge of the Cav Confessions: staff and students' answers to those questions you're not so keen on talking about!

JCCC starts in 2 weeks, and I'm taking BIO 135 and Chem II, for a total of a whopping 25 hours this semester (that's Wright as well as JCCC).

Enough of that.

I would really love to go to Seattle.

The founding location of Starbucks, the Space needle, etc. I've never been to West coast except for California, and let's get real, that's not REALLY all west coast. It's like only having been to NYC...not the real deal exactly.

I want to experience life up there....outside of Seattle even would be great. Windy roads, greenery everywhere, mountains, etc.

Yes, okay, that's all for now. Kind of lame blog...but it's late...I'll write more soon about something interesting!

Ciao, Bye

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

So, the everchanging plan has changed yet again. This time majorly, also not by choice. I have the economy to thank for that.  And I really thought I was feeling no effects. Oh well, que sera, sera.

Goodbye  

until next fall &

Hello

&

“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.

Arnold Bennett

No loan for Abbey, and that means no BU for her either this year. Financial aid went down, need went up, tuition and housing went up and that all just goes into a big pile of non-ability-to-afford-anything-without-a-loan-ness. They weren't kidding when they said college would be expensive. "Semester-Fall 2009 Current balance: $30,205.00" Unless I can somehow manage that by August 13th, I'm staying in Kansas for the year and going to JCCC as well as Wright Business College.  Maybe it's for the better...for now? Looking at it this way, I don't have to worry about quitting track because of no time. When I go back, I will have time. I can get classes out of the way that I really need for cheap, $64 a credit hour, aka a full semesters worth of a class for about $210, which is what...one lecture out of one week out of one month out of one semester at BU? Good deal for the pocket for sure. JCCC is a great school, too. It's one of the top junior colleges in the nation! I'll also get to receive not a CNA, but a surgical technician certificate. Then I can go back.

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.

Emerson

I'm missing a whole year in Boston, but getting a surgical technician certificate (and getting pre-med stuff out of the way minus orgo II). By doing that, I can work in the operating room, starting wages $18.00/hr, real hands on experience, knowledge that will help me and interest me, get me through a few classes in med school with ease and give me something great to do with my spare time. The program is 3 semesters of 15 weeks each, consecutively (no Thanksgiving or winter break), and I can work ahead. The last 10 week chunk of the last semester is an externship, aka working with a surgeon.  THAT means that next summer I'll be certified, be able to work full time through the whole summer, earn a lot of money and be able to pay for school. Then when I go back, I can get a part time job at a local hospital and do that there and be happy and be able to take a smaller course load, focusing just on psych classes and maybe biochem or microbio here and there :P. 

I am losing my perfect plan though. And the fun I was going to have this year with everyone, especially my roommate, Sarah. We were going to do all sorts of fun stuff neither of us really do...girl nights, just us going out and man-hunting, sunday morning breakfasts at the bagel shop in Kenmore square, etc. Also, getting to know and talk with the people on the pre-med advising committee and some professors. That's the part that's really going to affect me negatively. I need to make close relationships with those people so I can apply to medical school, D.O. or M.D., and have not good, but great recommendations. I'm hopeful that will all work itself out though. A little more effort, some heavy duty elbow grease, and communication will do it.

‘Things don’t change. You change your way of looking, that’s all.’

Carlos Castaneda

Technically nothing is really changed. I mean, I'm still pre-med, I'm still getting my stuff done that I want to get done, still going to be at BU for 3 years (although...there's a break between 1 and 2), still planning on being a surgeon, still going to get a job in a hospital this year, and doing more.  Nothing has changed, just the way I'm getting there, the way I see the path I'm on. 

‘It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.’

Alan Cohen 

At first I figured I'd be freaked out. And I was. And I am. But...I'm dealing. I know that after this year, I will be 19, making more money than a lot of adults, having a job that's in the place I want to be, getting experience I need, being held accountable for people's lives, and having fun. I'll get to see so many cool things, that yeah, maybe I'd get to see if I follow my uncle around in his surgeries, but not to the same extent. I'll get to be in the thick of it. Touching it. Sewing it up. Pulling things apart. Sucking up blood and guts, and knowing everything there is to know about the OR. What an adventure it will be. 

Of course, I'm going crazy at the though of probably only seeing those people I love in Boston once or twice between now and next summer. Not doing track. Not being in Boston. Not being able to walk anywhere, take the T, go to any state in the surrounding area in just an hour, or go to the beach. It's going to be incredibly sad and hard, but I'll still be able to visit. It's not forever, after all.

It will take a lot of courage to keep going, because my plan is completely screwed up now. It's nothing I expected to happen. But that's life. Things can be going the way you expect, down to every last detail, but at the drop of a hat things can just *EEEEEEEEUUURRRRRRRRRR* (that's the sound of screeching tires, if you didn't catch that, by the way).  

“The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour."

I'm going to enjoy the year. I'll get to do stuff that is actually relevant to my life. Yes, it's a detour. No, it's not a road block. Yes, I'll be stuck in Kansas, where there's nothing to do compared to Boston. No, I won't be miserable. I'll be by the family, the friends, and be able to save up my money. And enjoy it while I'm doing it. 

After all, I am the optimist, right?

Why yes, Sir, I do have a(n everchanging) plan!

I have everything planned out. At least for the next, oh most likely, 10 years of my life. Or I think I do. I know the general idea of what I want to do, the outline, but don't know specifics:

Undergrad in 3 years, Med school, residency, fellowship, live a happy life saving lives and having a life.

 I've decided against taking a year off in between undergrad and med school after talking to a pedes surgeon who went to BU and BUMC. "If you CAN get in, please do it. Keep trucking." Good advice, I'd say. BUT that changes things up a bit for my in my plan making. I was hoping to take the MCATS fall and spring of my third year, which is normal, but for me it's my senior year, and the year when I'm doing all my applications and such. That starts to compact things a bit...and that's fine. BUT that means also no year off to get clinical experience and more volunteer work and find a job at a hospital. Which means I now need to get on that starting this fall. Which leads me to this pickle I am currently in:

 Do I stay on BUTF and squeeze that in, along with my overloaded semesters, along with volunteering and trying to get a job at the hospital? OR Do I leave the team so I can get the experience I need for getting into Med school?

I know the answer without hesitating, but I don't want that to be the answer. I mean, the team is my family. I am at ease with them, have made wonderful friendships, have experienced the real team-ness that I never did in high school sports, have learned what it takes to be a DI athlete, have learned how to train myself, different techniques for said training, and have learned more things about myself that I thought I would. I have also questioned my ability as an athlete, and realized that maybe I'm not top-notch, and that maybe I'm more cut out for self training. I don't really know. Maybe I've had the experience and that's enough?

 My mother has been telling me over and over again that I don't need to be on the team. I'm not going to be pursuing it as a career (and Lord knows that's the truth), I won't be going to the olympics anytime soon, and I need to focus on school as a number one. And that's true. But it's something I don't want to cope with!

I want to be able to do everything. Pursue everything I can. Get 4262462413857 degrees in everything possible, as well as be a surgeon, a family practice doctor, a pastry chef, a photographer, a vet, a marine biologist, and a famous cellist.  The doctor dream being the top priority. 

Anyway, ranting...

I do know that I'm not going to continue with track after undergrad, and it would be foolish to even want to. I know that I need a lot of community service and clinical experience to even be considered for medical school admissions (and especially if I decide to apply to an Osteopathic Medical school).

If there was a way I could make fantasy books real and somehow obtain a time turner (even though they were all destroyed), I would be very happy. Can someone jump on that for me?

Thanks. 

Anyway.

I don't know what to do. I mean, I do. But really, I don't. I don't want to be a quitter. I don't even want to quit. I want to do everything. I just wish that what was right for me would include time for athletics....

help!

On a brighter note, my first day of being Senior Guard down was successful. I love it. I love my pool (I thought I would hate it. How wrong I was!) I love the guards (so far anyway). And I believe this is going to be a great summer. 

I've started compiling a reading list with Bailey...So if you've got any good reads, let me know, please!

Oh Oh 'twas magic, you know.

Isn't it funny how quickly memories fade?
One minute you're smack dab in the center of the best time of your life.
The next? Still enjoying yourself, but you've long moved on.
I think it's so strange! When I scrounge around my memories and replay them, it's like watching a home video. I don't relive them, but rather I watch them as they happen. It's like I've forgotten what it felt like, what emotions I experienced, and it makes me wonder how I ever got into that? It all seems so strange, and almost impossible to experience things like that again. It's very similar to the feeling you get after watching a romantic comedy, like 27 Dresses, or How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. After you watch the path that Kate Hudson and Kathrein Heigl take, the way and the simplicity to falling in love, or at least experiencing something like it, it makes you yearn for that and wonder if getting there is that easy. It makes you wonder if that's what life is really like; it's like a dream.  I'm sure that's exactly what the writers and producers are aiming for, after all, but sheesh! That tactic works so well. And of course, then you get anxious, and start wondering 'hmm...what shall I do?' and 'does this mean so-and-so really could be for me?'

 Of course, that's all bullcrap, and just things your mind concocts, but hey, it's fun while the feeling lasts :P

 Bizarre!

Anyway, on a brighter note. Tomorrow is my last final of the year, now onto Summer. Oh, thank you for coming! How I've missed you so!  Good luck to everyone who is still in school (KU) and those here who still have finals (BU) !!

Cheers!

Money money money!

Edit: April 22
Ok, NOW the transfer is official. COM to CAS.
Why phojo to psych?
I love photography. I love shooting people, things, whatever. I love doing it for myself and for others. I just don't think I want to do the complete candid, not as artsy shots. To me, photojournalism is all with newspapers, magazines, and that kind of media. What I want to do is take pictures for people to please them, to put on display, to keep in their house or office, and that's not exactly what phojo offers. Also--I can pursue photography on my own. I have a business at home, I have people to shoot, and will eventually get my website up and running (it just might take a while!). Also, trying to be pre-med AND get all the COM classes in, all in three years, would be a big struggle. It's easier this way. And, there's a lot of writing for the journalism program in general, whether it be phojo or print jo or whatever (I mean...duh, it IS journalism) and I am not a very good writer. No, scratch that. I'm a crappy writer. So...yes...better this way. I can just analyze people instead and then take their picture...then cut them up ;)

A little over a month until first paycheck. That means, I will have my money to buy this.

YES.

It's funny how expensive lenses are. I mean, you can buy a body of a camera (the actual camera) for a few hundred dollars, and then the lenses. Oh, the one I really want, nearly the same as the one on the left, but Nikon...$5,500. Ridiculous. That's more money than I've ever made in my life! Or close to anyway.

Cheap alternatives are fine. I do have a semi-fisheye that works perfectly that I got for $40.  It's good. Offbrands aren't all so bad!

Anyway. New photos up on Flickr: The Marathon, Turn off the Lights (an experiment in the bathroom), and the meet at UConn. Check 'em out. Please, enjoy!